iwroteabout's Blog

I was on my way to the office just this morning when I’ve come across a little boy holding a toy robot. He was so dirty and he was looking into my eyes as I was approaching towards him. I immediately concluded to myself that this kid would definitely come to me, hold me, and beg for alms. Consequently, I speed up my steps and avoid his way as much as possible. To my surprise, the boy simply stared at me. And right at that moment, I was sure I’ve seen both loneliness and sadness from his eyes.

I passed him. I look back. He was still looking.

Then, I continued walking - heads down. I was humiliated by my own judgment.


Judgment, condemnation, criticism; these synonymous words have been commonly misunderstood by the majority of people. I say, it could be the 8th capital sin when not properly used by an individual who feels superior or righteous than the others. When I look back at that child, I knew that I convicted him on my own eyes without giving him a chance to defend himself. I know I have committed the 8thcapital sin. I felt guilty.

So now, I am making this reflection for myself and for somebody else who might be reading this post. I know that we are all entitled to our own opinions but misunderstanding it with mere judgment is a different story. Even the verdicts of the jury from the court were not even validated unless a person is proven guilty under reasonable doubt. I cannot enumerate an example of bias judgment because we all have our own just like what we unconsciously do when we gossip about other people’s lives. We never thought that this is not good because we already assume it to be true without considering the side of those we judge at. We based the personality of someone based on how he/she looks or acts.

We believe only what we can see.


It is our human nature.

But you know what? It is also our nature to listen, to understand, to accept, and to love. Maybe we can omit my so-called 8th capital sin if we try to listen first before we talk, to understand first before we complain, and to love instead of passing judgment onto each other. Know a little about the other people’s background, maybe we just missed his or her true characteristics because we’ve been so busy looking at his or her outside appearance. Let’s put ourselves on the other people’s shoes. Let’s stop considering ourselves the center of the universe. Think about the others, not only ourselves. Jesus Christ once said to the crowd in Galilee “Look beneath the surface so you can judge correctly.” (John 7:24).

That little boy holding a toy robot might be whom what I thought he is (a beggar begging for a drop of a coin), but the loneliness and the sadness in his eyes tell me more than that. He was not begging for something as shallow as money, he was begging for love and empathy that he felt I surely have. And I was so self-righteous in judging that what he needed from me were the things that are only temporary, but I was wrong. I was very wrong.

“We can never judge the life of others, because each person knows only their true pain and renunciation. It’s one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it’s another to think that yours is the only path.” – Paulo Coelho

I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who listens and try to understands me. I miss you when I laugh and cry because i know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other and for those were some of the best times of my life..

1. I'm pretending I'm Flat-On-Bed sick. Truth: I only have slight fever, runny nose and itchy throat  hmmn  well laughing and dancing with the music. I just badly NEED rest. 
2.  Today is not so wonderful day. WHY? It's pouring outside. 
3. I did some laundry.
4. The Dog G pee on my door. Gawr!! bad dog!
5. I gave 6 brownies to  L and leave 4 Brownies for myself. I tasted one. nyaha! It was so good. 
6. I'll stop using personal names and addresses. I must refrain from spilling private information in this Blog even though it's set on Private.
7. Wait I'm thinking.
8. I edited one of my "sexy" photo I was wearing swimsuit in L in A with V. I set the color to back&white and added golden texture layer mask at CS5. It's Smoking!

9. I'm thinking about V. He's snoring at this moment.
10. I'm thinking about my sister and mother. They're mad at me. :( huuuuu. I need to be strong.
11. Wondering what is happening at work. They're not calling or anything. I'm worried they'll be in trouble because I'm not there. 
12. Seriously. I left loads of unfinished evaluation. hush Remember YOUR SICK IN BED. 
14. I'm listening to Female Alternatives and I heard L is yelling I mean singing with it.
15. Hummmn I didn't say it would be interesting. I should probably go back to reading now. I'm STUDYING. 

Who doesn’t long for someone to hold 
Who knows how to love you without being told 
Somebody tell me why I’m on my own 
If there’s a soulmate for everyone .

 

“Don’t be amazed if you see my eyes always wandering. In fact, this is my way of reading, and it is only in this way that reading proves fruitful for me. If a book truly interests me, I cannot follow it for more than a few lines before my mind, having seized on a thought that the text suggests to it, or a feeling, or a question, or an image, goes off on a tangent and springs from thought to thought, from image to image, in an itinerary of reasonings and fantasies that I feel the need to pursue to the end, moving away from the book until I have lost sight of it. The stimulus of reading is indispensable to me, and of meaty reading, even if, of every book, I manage to read no more than a few pages. But those few pages already enclose for me whole universes, which I can never exhaust.”

from page 254, If on a Winter’s Night a Traveller, by Italo Calvino

I’m feeling so many things lately. I forget if I have been doing this for years or is it the first time that I’m actually so aware of what I’m feeling. I’m constantly to myself and in my mind. When I’m walking, working, writing, showering, eating and so on. I’m aware that I’m talking inside my heart. And I try to listen to it. I’m constantly finding the right words to describe what I’m feeling at that moment. Sometimes I just can’t seem to find the right word to express it.

Sometimes I’d crumble very easily. Sometimes I might be perfectly fine with the same old things that made me angry or disappointed. I don’t know how that could be. But it’s just the way it is.
I’m aware of it, I’m aware of what I’m really feeling inside these days, I myself can see how different I was in the past, even the me yesterday could be thinking something very different from what I’m thinking at this moment. And I’m … I can’t seem to find the right word to describe how I feel about this. At certain moments I think I’m doing the very right thing, but maybe after a few hours I might think I shouldn’t have done it, things might be better if I didn’t do it. Sometimes I wish this will happen, but the second day I secretly hope it won’t. I’m confused with my own feelings now. I don’t know what I really want anymore.No I’m not being sad or negative or melancholic about certain things, I’m just trying to express what I’m thinking at this moment…or maybe yes, I do miss something in the past. But that’s all. I know I can’t do anything to get it back now. Because honestly, we all have to accept the fact that the only person we can change is ourselves.